That Choking Feeling

I just choked up watching a Walmart commercial. No, not concerning its business ethics. That’s more of a furious, passionate emotion that rises in me; the content of the commercial itself brought my mind fast-forward a couple years: "back to school." As in, Ruth will be 5 years old in two years and 6 months. I am told that time will fly between this moment and that fall when she is ready for formal education. If we send her to a public or private school, she will be there without me. Why does it hurt to think about that? Why does it seem like such a brave thing for a 5 year old? It’s too much.
The voice-over in the commercial talked about not being able to hold her hand while she’s on the bus … and then some junk about at least being able to save money, but again, the content is what got me.
My sister and my sister-in-law both have five year olds that are headed to kindergarten. My niece is anticipating her first day next Monday and my nephew already had a successful first day. I’m very happy for them and I know they will both be successful kindergartners. But they aren’t my children; my heart isn’t breaking! It’s a bit achy, just because I do remember them as babies and how sweet they were.
I’ll chase a rabbit down a trail for a moment and share one vivid memory I have of each child.
My memory of Alyssa is the most vivid; it involves all of my senses. My sister Anna and her husband, Matt, were renting a duplex in Columbus. I believe my other sister, Becky, was renting the adjacent side, so it was very easy to get my “sister” fix to visit both of them in one place! Alyssa was a little over one year old, and she was playing with a plastic toy with wheels in the front yard and feeling the grass with her fingers. She was so beautiful, and we were so excited about her discovery of the grass. It was all so new to her! The grass was very green, as it was spring time, and the air was very clean-smelling that day.
Joshua has always just touched my heart. I can just close my eyes and hear his contagious giggle and see his perfect blue eyes. Just this past week, he caught a moth in some clear plastic cups that the kids were playing with in the pool. Can you picture the patience and skill that takes for a five year old? When he was a baby, he was always so happy. It was such a joy for all of us to lavish our attention on him because he was the only baby for awhile there!
Back to that choking feeling I felt as I watched that commercial: It’s just completely unimaginable to me that Ruth would be without me, for five days a week, for a couple hours?!
That’s all it is; unimaginable. I’m not saying I’m unwilling. I’m not saying I don’t trust the foundation of discipline and love that we have been building since her infancy through this completely trying and unnerving trial called “I’m two and have a new baby sister.” We are deliberating what education would best fit Ruth: public, private, homeschool? I won’t homeschool simply because I can’t imagine life without her.
Parenting is really about what’s best for your children. That’s my job … to bond with and get to know both of my children, and find ways to nurture all the potential that is inside of them. And they both will need different things to become the individuals that they are. In some ways, they will fulfill or surpass any expectations that I might dream of. They will probably be interested in some of the things that Matt and I are interested in. They will value many of the things that we value. But they will also have interests that I would have never thought possible (from a child of mine?!) And they may value things I never would have thought valuable. But if they become who they are, then we will have parented well.
Why didn’t anybody tell me that being a parent would be so horribly emotional?
Unnerving?
That I would be mostly incompetent? Or feel that way when I can’t figure out how to best handle Ruth’s “twoness” or even Sophia’s needs as a baby?
That it would take every ounce of creative energy I have, and that it would not be about me at all, but that it’s beyond me?
That it would force me to grow and mature in ways I never would have conceived possible?
That my life as a parent looks totally different than I ever would have imagined it?

My First Blog

Even though I have no followers, I have fell into blogging today. I just want to win a free cloth diaper and these sweet soft-soled shoes, matching and etsy! Vilate is the adminstrater for a cloth diapering community on Circle of Moms, a Facebook application, and I found her Nifty Nook through that community. http://vilatesniftynook.blogspot.com/2009/07/giveaway-time.html I haven't ordered from her yet (after all, the point of cloth diapering is saving money, right? Riiight)
So anyways, when I tried to follow their blogs, which is part of entering to win the contest, I had to create an account with Google, and then it prompted me to start my own blog! Like I don't waste enough hours of my day on the internet. I'm hoping to get more disciplined about essay writing and some poetry, thus the name of my blog, because I am really so undisciplined about using my mind like I should.
The soft-soled shoes can be found through this blog: http://jaimiecollette-logansmommy.blogspot.com/ ... way cheaper than robeez and looks like better quality than the Target knock-offs. From experience, the Target brand soft shoes are way cute, but won't last beyond one kid. The paint on the leather wears off. Still functional, I guess, but those were all Ruth wore when she was little, so they look very shabby. I might order a pair for both of my girls, some slippers for this winter for Ruth and of course, because I believe in soft-soled shoes for my early walking babies, Sophia's pair will be for all the time. And I have a couple friends that are pregnant or just had babies ... at this price, they would be a perfect, thoughtful baby gift! Though I am always tempted to gift my friends with cloth diapers, but I hate to be pushy. That's a bit like giving your unsaved in-law or other extended family member a Bible or devotional for Christmas. Just not my way to convert people!!
I'm pretty excited about this blog, and can't wait to see how it develops and if anyone is actually interested in reading my essays, thoughts, and poems. Might post a couple old poems on here from college. My husband at least better be one of my followers! With all the free time he has, not!
To follow, you can click on the "Follow with Google Friend Connect" and you can use your current e-mail address, and that way you recieve an e-mail when I post a new entry. I think that's how it works. I promise that I will not inundate you with multiple blog entries per day, for my Facebook friends who might be worried that my Facebook habits will translate into how I blog.
Cross your fingers that I will win the contest!